The Bible’s vision of marriage is to have the
two people become a
new one that is
the best of each. But there is a tendency in marriages for
the two to become the
strongest one of the two. This morning we are going to look at the worst marriage in the Bible, the one that epitomizes this issue: Ahab & Jezebel.
Ahab, the King of Israel, was a strong leader in public – but at home, not so much. Scripture says that Ahab did more evil than any king that went before him. The evil was rooted in his marriage with Jezebel. These two were indeed becoming one – becoming Jezebel.
No one else so completely sold himself to what was evil in the Lord’s sight than Ahab did
under the influence of his wife Jezebel.
1 Kings 21:25
One passive and one controlling spouse is NOT a sexist problem. Both men and women are capable of becoming passive or controlling in a marriage.
Ahab said to Naboth, “Let me have your vineyard to use for a vegetable garden …..
In exchange I will give you a better vineyard …... But Naboth replied,
“The Lord forbid that I would give to you the inheritance of my fathers.”
So Ahab went home, sullen and angry. ….. He lay on his bed sulking and refused to eat.
1 Kings 21:2-4
Ahab didn’t try to negotiate with Naboth; he just goes home and sulks.
If a person thinks he/she has little chance of being heard, or fulfilling their position, they often withdraw. In a marriage, nothing does more damage in the long term than consistent withdrawing.
Jezebel came in and asked him, “Why are you so sullen? Why won’t you eat?” He answered her, “Because …..Naboth said, “I will not give you the vineyard.” Jezebel his wife said,
“Is this how you act as king over Israel? Get up and eat! ….
I’ll get you the vineyard of Naboth….”
1 Kings 21:5-7
When a spouse is weak or insecure, what they don’t need is for someone to take the ball.
A controlling person will always make a weak person weaker;
but with a godly heart, a strong person can help a weak person become stronger.
How a controlling spouse makes the other weak:
- Belittles with words.
People don’t crawl out of the hole of constant criticism and become stronger – even if everything being said is true.
- Takes over.
“I’ll get you the vineyard.” What’s she really saying? “You loser. I’ll show you how it’s done.”
4 principles to be a full participant in a marriage:
1. Reject passivity.
You have to decide, “I am going to be a player. We’re going to have the hard conversations.”
2. Accept responsibility.
We are responsible to help our spouses become all that God created them to be; and we are responsible to have the hard talk. If we hold back, we’re participating in the shipwreck.
3. Lead courageously.
Both need to lead courageously, to make the hard decisions together that will define who they are as the married “one”.
4. Expect God’s great reward.
If you lead together and put God into the center, it is amazing what He’ll do.
How does our story of Ahab & Jezebel conclude?
Jezebel put together a scheme to get the vineyard for her husband by having Naboth killed. When it was done, she told Ahab that he could have his vineyard – Naboth was dead.
Then God sent Elijah the prophet to Ahab to say, “Have you not murdered a man and seized his property? In the place where dogs licked up Naboth’s blood, dogs will lick up your blood – yes, yours.”
God holds spouses accountable. It was Jezebel who had Naboth killed. But to Ahab the prophet said, YOU are responsible. Being a passive spouse does not alleviate responsibility before God. Ahab didn’t know about the murder, but was happy to enjoy the fruit of it.
Passivity is not submission; control is not leadership.
It isn’t a male/female thing.
It’s about how we treat and value one another.
God’s plan for marriage: two becoming a new one – the best of each.
Application Thoughts:
Do I have a tendency to be controlling or passive? How can I begin to change that?
Is there a difficult area in my married life that I need to talk about with my spouse?
How can I help my spouse become all that God created him/her to be?
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